Parenting and Other Tasks Fit for Superheroes
by The Irish Lass
Summary: During a disatrous battle, Loki manages to turn four of the Avengers into children. Now, while Thor searches the nine realms for his wayward brother, Steve and Pepper find themselves raising a disfunctional family.
1. Chapter 1

Mini Yous: Chapter One: The Problem Presents Itself

"Hey, where is everyone?" Tony yelled into his comm, shooting off repulsors at Loki's new army of aliens.

A pause, then:

"Times Square." Natasha's voice was monotone, and Tony could hear her guns going off.

"Fifty-ninth." Clint's reply was followed by a grunt.

"Rawr!" Hulk. Okay… Look for the big green giant smashing aliens like a toddler having a tantrum. Shouldn't be too hard.

"I'm battling on one-hundred-seventh street." Thor's reply was calm, and there is the sound of electricity in the background.

Steve was last to reply, his voice as smooth and tranquil as Thor's. "Eighty-ninth street. You know they took down the green grocers and replaced it with a donut shop. Talk about changes. Where are you?"

Jarvis helpfully brought up a map. "Forty-eighth." Tony replied.

"Then we're all covered except Natasha. Go help her." Steve commanded. Tony bit back a sarcastic reply. Rogers was so damned authoritive. It was annoying to a man who was used to working alone in so many areas of his life. But when he was fighting for Earth, then Steve took over and turned the happy group (okay, snarling and growling group) into a well oiled machine. And Tony didn't really have a problem with that; Steve was obviously supposed to be their leader. But… why was he talking to himself? They'd think he was crazy. Which he might be. Anyway.

Iron Man zipped towards Natasha, pulling to a halt and blasting an alien that was coming at her from behind into oblivion. Tony grinned. One down, only a large number to go before he blackmailed Rogers into trying Chinese. Maybe octopus? He'd probably believe it was chicken. He was trusting like that.

Beside him, the Black Widow reloaded her Berretta as he covered for her. She sprang back up and nailed one of the ugly bastards in the forehead, bringing him down.

"Are you good?" Barton asked through the comm link.

"Could use a little help." Tony grunted as he slammed one of the things in the face with an iron fist and Natasha round-housed another one across the chest.

"Great. I'm out of targets. Be there in thirty."

"They're retreating!" Captain America informed them. "Hulk-"

"Is over here." Natasha informed the unit leader as the big green monster ran towards them and Barton dropped down beside Iron Man.

"The trail of running aliens brought him." Tony filled in before Steve could question.

"Thor, you see Loki?" Steve asked, decapitating an alien warrior with a thrust of his shield.

"Aye. He has just passed." Tony could hear wind whistling as Thor took pursuit. "He's headed to the portal."

"Shit." One cuss word from Captain America was enough to put them all on guard. Steve only swore when really bad things happened, like they were out of salt, or the world was about to be taken over.

"What's ruining your world of sunshine and flags?" Tony quipped. Steve remained silent, although Tony could hear his breath coming in short, sharp pants as he ran. Loki was going back to the portal. He was leaving now. The portal was… Right over them. "Shit." He echoed.

Clint and Natasha had realized the same thing he had. "Get to cover!" Natasha shouted, racing for a nearby building.

"Why?" A calm, reassuring voice sounded from above them. "Why run?" No one had to look up to know the god of lies was on a pilfered flying vehicle, and was hovering above them.

Tony bolted, zooming to Hulk and pushing him away. The Big Guy may have taken Loki out easily before, but now the god was flying! Damn it, he was literally flying! Thor was supposed to be the only one who could fly, damn it.

Something jarred him from behind, and the world went black and silent.

~Playing Parents~

"Loki has escaped." Thor's voice was heavy in Steve's ear as the super soldier jogged to Times Square.

"And the army?"

"Gone with him. Let us go collect our brothers and have a feast!" Thor's voice became decidedly jollier.

"Great." Steve slowed. "Where are you?" His usually feather light shield was heavy on his arm, seeming to pull it down to the ground.

"Nearing the square." Thor replied.

"Tony?" Steve called into his comm. Silence. "Natasha?" Quiet. Starting not to feel the nerves twisting in his stomach, he tried the last name. "Barton?"

"Steve… You must see this." All the light was gone from Thor's voice.

Shit. "I'm on my way." Steve began to run again.

~Playing Parents~

"How did this happen?" Steve asked, surveying the scene before him for a moment, before dropping to his knees and picking up the screaming baby that was lying in Clint's uniform. He wrapped the infant in the archer's clothing, and tucked him under one arm, then reached out to help a small boy with black hair tug on an AC/DC t-shirt.

Thor didn't reply for a moment, busy helping a girl with blazing red hair preserve her dignity by handing her a belt he had found in the remains of Tony's clothes. "It was one of Loki's favorite tricks, when we were younger, to change the elders of Odin's counsel into children. It was a simple enough spell, and it gained him much praise."

"He did this as a prank?" Steve asked disbelievingly as he helped another boy, smaller than the first, into his uniform undershirt. It hung loose on his frame, and the boy, who couldn't have been older than seven, giggled as he rolled up the sleeves.

"Knowing Loki as I do, yes." Thor nodded gravely. "He will release the spell only if threatened by Odin. And, as he is an outcast at this time, there is very little hope of that."

Steve groaned, bouncing the baby in his arms as its screams subsided. "So they're stuck like this?"

"Like what?" The oldest boy looked up at him with Tony's brown eyes. They were narrowed. "Who are you, anyway?"

"Dear God, he doesn't remember anything." Steve breathed, arms pausing their bouncing until the baby began to cry again.

The boy stuck his tongue out. "Yes I do. I'm Tony Stark, and I'm ten years old. And X is the substitute for any number in an equation." Tiny Tony looked smug.

"Great." Steve nodded, trying to look positive when all he wanted to do was collapse on a sofa, eat enough ice cream to put a normal person into a coma, and watch a Disney movie that wouldn't tax his confused mind. "And who are you?" He turned to the red-headed girl, although he got the idea he already knew who she was.

"Natasha Romanoff, with two 'f's. I'm ten and four months." She stuck her tongue out at Tony.

"And who are you, little guy?" Steve bent down to look the other boy in the eyes. Too bad he knew who it was, and who he was going to be.

"Bruce Banner. I'm six!" The child, Bruce, proclaimed. Steve felt like crying now, but he kept joggling the baby in his hands.

"And I'm Steve." He smiled at them. "I have to make a phone call now." He muttered to Thor, who took the baby, Clint, Steve was certain, from the captain. "Fury has to know."

He turned and strode to an abandoned street, and heard Tony ask Thor, "Who are you? Am I going to be as big as you when I grow up?"

"Fury." He tapped his comm. Twice.

"Rogers." Fury's voice was clear and consise. "Your team coming up?"

"There have been difficulties, sir."

"What kind of difficulties?" The director's voice was sarcastic.

Thirty seconds later, it was tired and worn. "Please tell me this is some elaborate joke Stark cooked up?"

"I wish." Steve maumbled. "No, I'm pretty sure it's them."

"Bring them up for testing. We have to get concrete evidence."

Steve was tired. Rebellious. Which was why he questioned orders. "Sir, they're children. They've just had a long day. Can it wait?"

"No."

"Yes." Steve set his jaw. "Tomorrow they'll be up there."

A short silence. The, grudgingly, "Tomorrow." And the link shut down with an audible click.

Steve smiled for his small victory, then groaned. He had to take them back to the tower. What would Pepper say?

~Playing Parents~

"Is this all your's?" A bouncing Tony hung onto Steve's arm, while he rapid-fired questions about the tower.

"Er, no. I just know the guy who does own it." Steve replied, shifting Clint around in his arms. Honestly, how old could he be? Six months? Eight?

Natasha, clinging to her perch on Thor's shoulders, looked around with interest. Awe was clear on her face, but it was equally clear that this was all the luxurious building would get in recognition from her. Bruce, skipping beside Thor, beamed at everything, but let Tony ask the questions.

"Good. It's ugly." Tony said decidedly. Steve choked, remembering how the adult Tony had reacted when Steve had said the same thing to him months ago on the helicarrier.

"Really?" Steve murmured instead, bouncing Clint again.

"Yeah. Hey, can I press the buttons in the elevator?" Tony ran ahead and towards the elevator.

"Sure. Why not?"

~Playing Parents~

"Steve, who are they?" Pepper asked, pausing mid-step, arms outstretched to receive a hug from her husband who was and wasn't there.

"Uh, Pepper, meet Tony, Natasha, Bruce and Clint." Steve looked warily at her, hoping she would get his message: Play along.

She sent him her own message back: Tell me what the #%! is going on, or so help me. But she bent down and scooped up Bruce anyway.

"Hey, sweetie." She cooed.

"'Ello." He smiled.

"Are you guys hungry?" Pepper had already made supper for a super team, which included a newly transformed Bruce Banner, who ate the table clear half the time. There would probably be far too much for the children, she thought, but it was made. They might as well eat it.

She was rewarded with large smiles, and even larger nods. Steve held Clint out slightly, an unspoken question in his eyes.

"There's applesauce and yogurt in the fridge." She whispered, herding the miniaturized super team to the kitchen. Steve nodded, and fell in step with Thor.

"We have a long time ahead of us." He muttered under his breath. The Asguardian nodded, sweeping open the kitchen door to allow the man with the baby to pass.

~Playing at Parents~

"So, how did my husband get turned into a pre-teen boy?" Pepper asked Steve levelly, sitting down on the couch across from him as he rocked the frustratingly still baby Clint.

Steve looked out over his team of superheroes, who were playing 'Just Dance for Kids' (Steve still didn't know why Tony had bought that while they were all adults. He guessed that he had just let someone else order them, and they had looked on them as future hand-me-downs.) on the Playstation 4. "Loki." He offered as an explanation.

"I know that much." Pepper nodded, gazing at the group playing on the floor. Thor was losing magnificently, and she couldn't tell if it was an act or not. "I was watching the news." She frowned as Natasha's t-shirt (which was not the same one she had come home in. Pepper had refitted her in some of her own clothes) slipped down her shoulder again. She'd need to go shopping tomorrow for kids' clothes.

"I wasn't around, and neither was Thor. We were both pretty far away." Steve explained.

"So why would Loki make an effort to get only four of you?" The red-head mused. "He's clever enough that he could have herded you all together. He's done it before."

Steve had no answer for her. Instead, he patted Clint on the back, thinking over her words.

~Playing Parents~

Hiya! New story, some actual plot behind it. I don't usually do that, in all honesty. I adore one-shots. But if I want to become an author, I better start writing more plot-lined stories.

Reviews are appreciated, and almost guarantee faster updates.

'Til next time!

-The Irish Lass


	2. Chapter 2

Confirmation

"Hey, wake up." Steve poked Bruce lightly, pushing the five year old to get up. The small boy opened his eyes blearily and looked up at the super soldier, silently begging to know if he really, _really _had to get up. Steve chuckled, refreshed from his own night of sleep. "Come on, Bruce. You have to get up. I'll make pancakes." He coaxed, which was the same bribe he had successfully used on Natasha.

Bruce blinked up at him for a second longer, before reluctantly shoving back the thick white blanket that his adult self had thought impractical, and sliding off the four poster onto the floor. He was still wearing the same shirt as he was wrestled into the night before, Steve noted.

Bruce held up a hand. Steve stared at it for a long second, unsure of what was being demanded of him. Impatiently, Bruce wiggled his fingers. Reluctantly, Steve stretched his own hand down to grasp the small brown one. The smile he got in return melted any awkwardness as Bruce led the way into the kitchen, where Natasha was eyeing the stove like it was supposed to begin producing pancakes on its own, Tony looked like he needed a caffeine fix (he would have to settle for orange juice. Steve was _not _pumping a ten year old with coffee.) and Pepper was joggling a screaming Clint. The poor woman looked harried, and practically thrust the baby at Steve, who took him in one arm, and helped Bruce up onto one of the kitchen stools with the other.

Clint screamed louder. Steve glanced down at him, then at Pepper, who shrugged. "I got him out of bed screeching like that. He's going to need a crib." She sighed, and pulled her phone out, adding to her list of supplies she would need for the children. It was already longer than she wanted it to be.

Steve looked down at the baby again, whose face was red as a tomato, and scrunched up. "Hey, how would you like to fly?" He crooned, and lightly tossed the infant into the air, careful to catch him gently. After three 'flys', Clint was giggling.

Thor had entered, and leaned up against the counter. "So the hawk loves to fly." He noted, eyes laughing.

Steve stuck his tongue out, and handed the now cooing baby back to Pepper, before digging around in the fridge for breakfast ingredients. He made sure to grab the juice for Tony. Pepper smiled down at the baby. Now that he was smiling, he was really loveable.

"So, what kind of pancake?" Steve asked the assembled audience as he began cracking eggs into a bowl and whisking them. "I can make blueberry, chocolate chip, strawberry, or walnut."

"Chocolate chip." Natasha said with authority. Beside her, Bruce nodded enthusiastically. Tony worked on draining his cup of juice.

"Chocolate chip it is then." Steve smiled, turning to dig around in the cupboard for the milk chocolate Tony stored in it to put in his hot chocolate.

~Playing at being Parents~

Tony scraped his plate enthusiastically, leaving a sticky trail of maple syrup across the table as he transferred his fork from the plate to his mouth. "I'm going back to bed." He announced, standing up and scraping back his chair.

"Oh, no you don't." Steve caught him by the back of his still oversized T-shirt as he tried to leave. "You have to get cleaned up. We're expecting some very important people today." No need to add that these very important people would be drawing blood from all of the kids and conducting DNA tests for final confirmation of suspicions.

"Why?" Tony whined, but reversed his direction to go to the bathroom sink.

"Uh, uh, uh. Clear your plate first." Steve shook his head, and finished off his own pancakes. Pepper handed him Clint and began her own breakfast. She had insisted Steve eat since he had already cooked, while she fed the baby. She didn't add, but they both knew that she wanted time with the giggling baby. Steve knew it was a small spot in her life that Tony didn't want kids.

Tony huffed, but returned to drop his plate in the sink. "Now may I wash up, oh Father of mine?" He asked sarcastically, already leaving. Steve choked.

Natasha obviously took this as her opportunity to speak up. "Do Bruce an' me need to meet these people too?" She asked, a resigned air showing Steve that she knew very well that it was expected of her. And she was going to be a spy. He reminded himself. Of course she already knew.

"Yep. So you better go take baths." Steve nodded, bouncing Clint. Again. He seemed to be happiest while in motion. And the soldier didn't really notice the extra weight, so stay in motion Clint did.

Bruce gave a small grumble of disapproval, but got up anyway and, standing on tiptoe, placed his plate carefully in the sink. Then he turned and looked almost sheepishly at the two seated adults. "Where're the bathrooms?" He whispered.

Steve glanced at Pepper and saw she was having a hard time holding back a sigh of adoration. He personally didn't get why she thought Bruce was so adorable as a kid. He was cute, sure, but not _that _cute. "Try the one next to your bedroom." He smiled. "I don't know why Tony used the one he did." He turned to Pepper.

"Because it was closest." Pepper supplied, watching as Natasha and Bruce made their way back to their rooms to clean up. Steve laughed, and Clint giggled, not understanding the joke, but wanting to be a part of it all the same.

~Playing at Being Parents!~

"Hey, you didn't tell us there'd be needles!" Tony protested loudly as SHIELD scientists began unpacking briefcases in the Tower common room. The four victims of Loki's attack were all seated on various surfaces, eying the proceedings with trepidation.

None of them smiled, and Pepper cleared her throat. "Tony, honey," She began, "it's not so bad. Adults get them all the time." Tony pointed an accusing finger at her.

"Do you get them?" He asked. She nodded. "What about Steve?" The finger swiveled to point at the super soldier seated on the sofa with Clint over his shoulder. Steve chuckled.

"I get lots of shots." He nodded. It was true. He had been injected with the serum, and now SHIELD insisted he needed shots every time he walked on the carrier. He wouldn't be surprised if the doctors and nurses just got bored and started injecting people with vitamins. Half the diseases they were medicating him for he couldn't even get.

"Oh." Tony dropped his argument, but continued to eye the scientists and their needles with mistrust.

Natasha felt it time to speak up. "If we don't complain, will you give us lollipops?"

One of the younger SHIELD agents, one who hadn't completely lost his sense of humor, snorted at the idea that the _Black Widow _was bargaining the right to stick her with needles for a piece of sugar. The aforementioned assassin turned her cold glare on him, which, even with her ten year old face, promised death. He sobered up.

Steve looked at Pepper, who nodded. "Yep. We've got lots of lollipops. And if you're really good, you can have two." She promised.

"All of us?" Bruce asked eagerly, looking up wide-eyed at the CEO.

"All of you." Pepper confirmed, smiling. She mentally complied the 'secret' stash Clint had kept 'hidden' under the Tupperware in the kitchen. There were plenty of the lollipops there, and all sorts and flavors. And she was willing to bet they'd all end up with three of them.

In the corner, Thor snorted. He found it infinitely amusing that these children had two of the most formidable people he knew wrapped around their fingers. Steve turned and fixed him with a look that said he knew Thor had intentionally lost the video game the night before, and so he wasn't one to talk. Thor grinned back, not at all ashamed. He wasn't the one holding the baby, after all.

Steve seemed to catch on to what he was thinking, and his eyes narrowed slightly, before he turned back around to hear one of the scientists say "Who's first?"

Silence reigned.

Steve looked over the group of children, worry clouding over his face. If none of them started, then a temper tantrum would be inevitable when one of them was forced to go up.

Reluctantly, he stood up, and handed Clint off to Pepper. "I guess it's me." His eyes twinkled, and the man seemed to catch on instantly.

"You're one brave soldier." He nooded as Steve rolled up his sleeve and stuck out his arm. He inserted the needle carefully, and took blood from Steve's arm, then put a Mickey Mouse band-aid on it. Steve looked up at him, and he winked.

"That wasn't so bad." Steve sat back down on the sofa. "Who's next?"

Tony started forwards, but Natasha tackled him to the floor and was first to the SHIELD agents, the youngest of whom snorted as Tony picked himself up and sent a death glare in Natasha's direction. She stuck her tongue out at him as her arm was first cleaned, then punctured by the needle. She received her Mickey Mouse band aid, and shoved Tony on her way to plop down beside Steve on the couch. She curled into his side in a very un-Natasha like manner, and yawned. Steve remembered she hadn't gone to bed until late, and mentally chewed himself out. He'd have to make sure they got there in time tonight.

Tony sat down beside Pepper, and flashed his Hulk band aid at Natasha with a smug grin. She shook her fist at him and snuggled in deeper into Steve's side. He wondered just how much sleep a ten year old needed. Pepper smiled understandingly at him, rocking Clint gently. She'd have to get some diapers for him, she thought. Right now he was wearing a dishcloth and an oversized safety pin Thor had found somewhere.

Bruce came hurrying back, and settled himself comfortably beside Steve.

"And now for the little one." Another scientist readied a syringe with a bit too much glee on his face to be handling a baby. Steve searched through his mental file, looking for this guy and his face. It clicked. He was one of the ones who held a grudge against Clint for what had happened on the helicarrier during the first Loki mission.

"Thank you, sir. But no." Steve rose fluidly, Thor coming to stand beside him. Evidently, the demigod had a long memory too.

"What do you mean-"

"I would like someone else to perform the withdrawal." Steve informed him, drawing to his full height and squaring his shoulders, an implied threat.

"Jason, hand that to me." The same man who had withdrawn Steve's blood reached for the syringe, which was reluctantly handed over. "now, let's see you." He cooed as close to cooing as a SHIELD agent could get to Clint, and Pepper stepped forwards, offering the infant's arm. Clint sat through the cleaning, but as soon as the needle was shown to him, he began to bawl. Pepper rocked him furiously, shhing and cooing. She looked desperately at Steve when it failed, and he reached out, taking him and tossing him into the air. The wails faded away, and Steve tucked him into his arms, tickling him slightly, and glanced sharply at the other man, who was quick to make his move. A few seconds later, Clint was still giggling as his band-aid was taped to his arm.

"We'll get back to you about this tomorrow." Steve nodded, rocking Clint as the agents left. He glanced at the clock. It had taken far too long to take a couple of shots.

"Okay, gang. Lunch and then candy, okay?" Half-hearted assents greeted his ears, but one voice was oddly silent. Natasha was curled up on the couch, nestled in the warmth that Steve had left when he stood up.

~Playing at Being Parents!~

"We're going shopping this afternoon." Pepper informed Steve as they dished out food to the extended plates.

"Why? We're good on groceries." Steve filled Bruce's plate generously with spaghetti. Pepper looked at him like he was an idiot.

"For the kids." She supplied. "They need clothes, and Thor can babysit with a TV and Looney Toons."

"Loony Toons?"

"It's a cartoon, like Mickey Mouse." She explained, dropping a buttered biscuit onto Tony's plate. "But anyway, they can't go around dressed like that. It isn't decent, and they're all too old for it. I need some input."

Steve vaguely recalled conversations with Tony about Pepper bulldozing through stores. "Uh, okay?" He assented, wondering what he got himself into.

~Playing at Being Parents!~

They ended up bring Clint along, if only because Steve was not willing to leave him in the care of a group of people hopped up on caffeine and cartoons. Pepper had added 'carseat' to the list while Steve started the suburban, which was kept specifically for Pepper's epic shopping trips. She settled into the passenger seat, Clint on her lap.

When they got to the store, Pepper sighed in relief that they had gone shopping on a Tuesday. It was gloriously empty, and Pepper began looking for clothes for Natasha right away. Steve stood behind her, pushing the cart, Clint strapped into the seat.

"Isn't this cute?" Pepper held up a pair of jeans. Steve shrugged, which the CEO took as confirmation. "I think she'll like them." She nodded, and began tossing clothes in the cart at random, making sure they were the right size and squealing over the 'cuteness' of it all. Steve was beginning to sense a real desire for children emitting from the redhead.

He said nothing other than 'hmm' all the way to the check out, and he let her warp the sound into whatever she wanted it to mean. She usually used it as 'Yes! Of course! How adorable!' Steve was infinitely easier to shop with than Tony, she decided as the cashier rung up their total.

"Okay," Pepper consulted the list on her phone. "We still need carseats, diapers, baby formula, and some soft foods for our little sweetie here to try out." She poked Clint, who had cried his way out of the cart seat onto Steve's shoulder.

The cashier, a young woman with blonde hair, smiled as she handed Pepper the receipt and Steve reloaded the cart with bags, one-handed. "Lovely family. Your son is soooo cute."

Steve choked, and glanced at Pepper's left hand. Sure enough, she was wearing her wedding ring. The one Tony had used in the ceremony. It definitely hadn't come from him.

Pepper shook her head, smiling back at the cashier. "Oh, Steve's just a friend. My husband was busy today, and he volunteered to help me shop."

"Oh." She blushed.

"But thank you anyway." Pepper handed her a folded bill. The cashier's eyes widened. "I like it when people compliment my baby." Pepper explained, taking Clint and following Steve as he pushed the cart out to the car.

"Your baby?" He asked, unloading the multitude of bags into the trunk.

"Well, why not?" Pepper shrugged. "He's certainly not anyone else's. He might as well be mine."

"Fair enough." Steve grinned.

~Playing at Being Parents!~

"We're home." Steve called out as the elevator chimed and the doors opened to let him into the common room. Pepper came out first, holding Clint. Steve stumbled in after her, his arms loaded down with bags upon bags, the elevator filled with still more. Silence greeted his proclamation, and as he set down the bags beside the elevator, there was still nothing to mark inhabitance.

"They have to be here somewhere." Pepper laid a hand on his back. She didn't feel like standing on her tiptoes to reach his shoulder.

"It's an awfully big place." Steve mumbled, striding into the living room. "They could be- Never mind." Pepper snorted at the scene before them. Thor had become the base of a puppy pile, Bruce curled up beside him, Tony using his outspread arm as a pillow, and Natasha a little away, but still part of the group. Empty root beer and cream soda cans littered the floor, and popcorn was ground into the carpet. On the Television, a cartoon rabbit chomping on a carrot was talking to a duck.

Pepper grabbed the camera from a shelf, and, with a flash and a click, caught the group, while in the frame, Steve smiled.

~Playing at Being Parents!~

"Captain Rogers, Nick Fury is on the line." Jarvis informed Steve the next morning as he burped Clint. Tony and Pepper were playing dress up, Thor was giving Natasha some hand-to-hand lessons, and Bruce was watching in awe.

"Could you direct that to my phone?" Tony had given Steve a phone when he moved in, under the assurance that it would be useful. This was the first time in three months Steve had used it. He was amazed at the modern words that rolled off his tongue these days.

"Certainly."

A second later, Steve's phone began playing the opening bars of 'Star Spangled Man with a Plan'. Steve shook his head in exasperation as he answered. So that's what Clint had wanted it for three weeks ago. He should have known.

"Director."

"Rogers." The director was obviously in a fit of temper. He hadn't said 'Captain'. "It's my damn superhero team."

"What?" Steve shifted Clint to his other arm.

"Your misfit kids are the Avengers." Fury was frothing at the mouth.

"Oh. Yeah. We guessed when they told us their names." What was with him lately? He must be spendingtoo much time with Tony and Clint.

A sharp inhale, then a long exhale sounded on the other end of the phone. "Yes, Rogers, I am aware. But we have scientific proof now. The world's defenders are in diapers."

Steve bit back the reply that, technically, only Clint was in diapers. It wouldn't help the director's mood.

"So now the Avengers consists of an alien who _isn't here _most of the time, and yourself." Steve could see Fury rubbing his forehead in his mind's eye.

He stayed silent, waiting for the inevitable orders.

"Get Thor looking for Loki now. We need them back."

"Yes, Sir." Steve hung up. Clint cooed on his shoulder.

~Playing at Being Parents!~

How's that? I'm back already, people!

On that note, you guys know what I really, really love? REVIEWS! They make my fanfiction world go around. No, seriously. I put hours into work you guys get for absolutely free. It makes me happy that there are people who really enjoy my writing.

Review reply!

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Remember: Reviews make my happy place. And I will nag to get them.

'Til next time!

-The Irish Lass


	3. Chapter 3

Church and School

"Captain, the young Mr. Barton is demanding your presence." Jarvis broke Steve out of his sleep. The blonde rolled over in bed, glancing at his silver alarm clock and shot upright. "I'm going to be late!" He was out of bed and shoving his feet into his slippers, his arms into his robe, and a comb through his hair was fast as the super soldier serum would allow him.

"Sir, church does not start until eight thirty. It is currently six thirty." The AI intoned as Steve rushed towards Clint's room, robe flapping behind him.

"Those kids are going to church." Steve snapped open Clint's door and practically ran to the bed, picking Clint up and patting his back as he headed back through the hall way to wake everyone else up. He banged on the doors, calling 'Get up, guys. We're going to church.' through each one as he patted Clint's back and hurried to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Pepper blinked sleepily at him over her cup of coffee, laptop open in front of her. "What's the hurry?" She asked, watching him as he dug through the fridge, pulling out eggs and milk with mad abandon as Bruce stumbled in rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"I'm late for church, and the kids are coming with me." Steve replied, and beseechingly held out Clint. The CEO took him, cradling him in her arms.

"Oh. Is baby?" She asked, almost cooing in delight as Clint yawned, small pink mouth stretching wide before he snuggled back down into her arms, blinking sleepily.

"I think so." Steve nodded. "He's been good lately, I think he'll handle it pretty well. We'll sit in the kiddy room, though, just in case." The kiddy room was a small room with five pews off to the side of the main church.

"Do you want me to come?" She offered as Natasha trailed into the kitchen, saw Steve beating eggs and hauled herself up onto a kitchen stool to watch and sip Bruce's glass of milk. The small boy opened his mouth to protest, but a deadly glare made him shut it fast.

"Yeah, that would be great. I didn't know you were a catholic. Natasha, that's not nice. Apologize." The redhead stared at him as if he were a traitor, but his unwavering gaze made her drop her eyes and mutter ''s sorry.' to the darker child.

"That's better. Bruce, would you like some more milk?" Steve asked, and Bruce nodded enthusiastically. Thor entered, a terrific bedhead coming with him. He chuckled at Bruce's wide eyes.

"Aye, long hair is a considerable inconvenience." He ruffled the small dark curls on Bruce's head. "You are better suited to keep it short." The Norse god poured himself and Bruce some milk, handing the small plastic cup to the boy and keeping the large glass for himself.

"Then why don't y-y-you?" Tony entered, yawning. He settled down beside Bruce at the table and stole his milk. Bruce looked distressed as the older boy gulped down half of it in one mouthful.

Thor frowned at Tony, then laughed. Steve, who hadn't seen the exchange, turned from the stove in time to see him set down the blue cup.

"Tony! Don't steal from Bruce." He chided as Thor obligingly reached into the cabinet and took down another cup for Bruce, filling it with milk before setting it down before him.

"But I can steal from Nat?" He inquired, cocking his head and holding his cup out to Thor, who refilled it.

Pepper snorted. "If you want to try. Thor, could you get me his bananas? It's on the top shelf." She joggled Clint, who seemed much more awake at the scent of frying eggs and bread toasting. Thor opened the fridge, and frowned at the small jars lining the shelf, reading the labels until he found 'baby bananas with extra vitamins'. He handed it to her along with the special spoon she had bought Clint.

Tony turned to look at Natasha, who smiled toothily at him, and wiggled her fingers in some semblance of a wave. He winced. "Yeah, no. It's easier to borrow from Bruce." He linked an arm around his friend's shoulder.

"So long as borrowing doesn't become stealing." Steve warned, placing eggs on plates and handing them out. "I'll get your's next, Thor." He assured the giant, already cracking a half dozen eggs into a large bowl for scrambling.

The plates were empty within minutes, and the kids were sliding down from their chairs when Steve stopped them. "Guys, I need you to put on your nice clothes Mom got you. We're going to church."

Tony blinked, Natasha shrugged, and Bruce stared. "When?" They finally chorused.

"In an hour. Mom and I'll take you." He explained. "So go get ready, brush your teeth, and, please, please, please, don't dress like hogs."

The group shuffled out, and Pepper turned to him. "Mom?" She asked blankly.

"Well, Clint's your baby and they're his siblings. Thus, you are playing mommy."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Very well, _Dad." _

Thor guffawed. "Nuh-huh, you're not out of it. You're the uncle." Pepper smiled, standing.

Thor nodded. "I have long wished for that title." He feel silent, and Pepper wondered who Loki may have married if he had never become a lunatic.

"A happy little family." Pepper sang as she left to change Clint. Steve choked on his milk.

~Tony, no!~

"I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed." The elderly priest recited, staring up at the host of bread in his hands.

Steve felt Tony twitch beside him, and he lightly elbowed him, warning him to stay still. He sat straight, but glanced over at Bruce, who was nodding off.

Natasha sat rigid, following every movement with calculating eyes. On the other side of the red-headed assassin, Pepper held Clint, watching the proceedings.

Steve smiled in satisfaction. They hadn't blown anything up yet.

~Clint, shush, shush~

Steve was not perfect. He knew that. He also knew that his temper was as flexible and resilient as a rubber band. But even rubber bands break at some point.

And today, he was in a miff. It had started when Tony had snuck into see Clint at two in the morning (this was not a Tony he was familiar with. The Tony he knew had a hard time getting out of bed at two in the afternoon.) and woken the baby up. And Clint had screamed, and Steve had been the one to go get him, and sit in the too-small rocking chair for an hour, swaying back and forth in an effort to calm the wailing bundle.

Next, they were out of fruit, and he had to eat Thor's atrocious poptarts, and serve it to the kids. So then, of course, he had to go grocery shopping, which always put him in a bad mood, because inflation was a reminder of how far he was from his real life.

When he came back, Pepper was sick in bed with a headache, and Tony and Natasha had broken the widescreen in the common room by fighting. Thor had left to see Jane before this, so Steve couldn't even blame him.

Dinner had been punctuated by glares from everyone to everyone (except Bruce, who was cowering in his seat and left the moment he could get away), and Steve wondered if that day would ever end.

Thor returned two hours later to find Steve tiredly sweeping up cheerios from the rug, a tightness about his mouth as Clint bounced in his carrier slung across the super soldier's back.

At the sight of Thor, Steve lost it. "Where the hell were you?" and so on, as the demigod looked on bemusedly, wondering what exactly his crimes were as Clint burst into tears, scared by Steve's tones and volume.

And when it was suppertime, Tony outright refused to eat the soup, and tried to smuggle out the Nutella. Pepper was feeding Clint, Natasha was picking apart her bread and squashing it, and Bruce was sensing the buildup of frustration in the father figure. Finally, when Tony stole Bruce's bread roll, Steve lost it. Again.

After his fuming was complete, the kids looking taken aback at his quiet but explosive anger, Pepper shooed them out of the kitchen, placing Clint in Natasha's arms and telling her to go watch cartoons in her room with him. Bruce scurried away, and Tony left the Nutella next to his plate as he dashed for safety, Thor muttering something about a card game as he fled with them. Then Pepper turned to Steve and scowled. "What was that about? You scared Bruce to death."

Steve shook his head, amazed at his own temper. "I'm just…" He trailed off, and Pepper felt a twinge. But she hadn't blown up, and her day had been pretty bad too.

"Look, I know it's been a long, terrible day. But you can't just go off like that. They didn't know what was wrong." Pepper admonished, clearing the table and putting the Nutella away.

He set his head in his hands, letting the tension leave his shoulders. "They are brats." He moaned. "At least Clint is a baby, and Bruce is quiet, but those other two…" He shook his head, pressing the heels of his hand into his eyes. "If they lived in the forties, they would be spanked."

She realized that Steve was not really so much irritated by the kids as he was homesick. And where he wanted to go, no StarkJet could take him. "Steve." She sighed, sitting down beside him, and letting one hand rest on his arm. He wasn't alone.

But the soldier was having none of it. He jackknifed to his feet, pushing back his chair in one fluid motion. "I'm going to have to apologize to them." He strode off resolutely to the bedrooms.

"Steve, no!" Pepper ran to stand in front of him. "You're right, they're brats. But if you apologize to them now, they won't take you seriously."

"They need something to do, then." Steve looked her in the eye, and together, they grinned.

"School." They chorused.

~Natasha, please don't do that~

Wow. That was a shoddy chapter. Sorry. But I've made Steve into such a Gary Stu, it needed to be fixed.

Some explanations:

Steve is religious, and since he is Irish, he also most likely Catholic. Thus, I have sent him to a Catholic church. Not sure about the rest of the team, but I think Steve would get some religion into them when he could.

The kids _are _brats. Don't try to deny it. If you knew as little about technology as Steve did, and you still had a forties money mindset, and you were borrowing from someone else, you would be horrified if you broke their TV. Don't lie.

Anyway, thank you for your reviews. They make me smile!

Person D: Thanks! I'm really glad you liked it so much!

Guest: I do little brother Steve and Daddy Steve. Weird, isn't it? But he seems to fit perfectly into each role, so guess he'll stay that way.

Reviews are, as always, appreciated! Let me know what you think will happen next!

'Til next time!

-The Irish Lass


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